Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Best Funeral Ever

I must say, during all of this coverage of the "Frankenstorm" brewing in the Atlantic Ocean and headed straight for the Northeast, I have found myself quite uneasy. It has come to the point where I can no longer even look at my Facebook newsfeed or
The things I am reading and seeing make me nearly pee my pants. The only solace I have found is through obsessively watching that stupid show "Breaking Amish." However, this comfort will not last for long. Within the next few days, I (along with millions of others) will be living in squalor. I aim to enjoy electricity to the fullest extent today, as I foresee I will not have it for a very long time. GREEEEEEEEEATTTT.
That is... if I survive. This is where I get to the main subject of this post. This monster of a storm has got me thinking a lot
...about my funeral, that is. This will be he most important event of my life, besides my birth (obviously). Some may find this morbid, but I just find it practical and thought-provoking. One thing is for damn sure, this funeral is sure to be the best funeral ever. The event of the season if you will. Anyone who is anyone will be there.
I guess it was not only Hurricane Sandy that sparked these thoughts but also a news article I read earlier this week. It was an article about this dude whose family thought he was dead and they were holding a funeral for him at their house. Much to their surprise, he showed up mid-funeral, and was all... "HELLO? I'm alive assholes!"
Read it here:
That is seriously epic. I would love to be at a funeral like that. I especially enjoy the part where they say people were running away in fear.
HAHAHAHA. Just so epic, I can't. But anyways, BACK TO ME! I have always said that I would like Nick Jonas to sing at my funeral. I would like him to sing his chilling ballad "A Little Bit Longer." I know for a fact his performance will give you all goose bumps (trust me, I saw those three numb nuts in concert...we're talking poignant shit).
I want the room to be COVERED in pictures of me. However, I want these to be GOOD pictures. In other words, none of the pictures of me that my parents put on our christmas cards. I swear they literally go through their photographs and pick the ones based on how many chins I have in the picture. "Oh, she only has three chins in this one.. no good, gotta be at least five." I got to look HOT and IN SHAPE. Feel free to airbrush where you see fit.
I want to be remembered for my wisdom and grace. Therefore, I want Snoop Dogg to speak at my funeral. For there is no one wiser and no one greater than Snoop.
Okay, all of this is great and everything but we all know why people go to funerals. THE FOOD...HELLO! At my funeral I want there to be the finest cuisine.
And by fine cuisine, of course I mean noms noms like White Castle and McDonald's. Duh. The classiest food for the classiest lady around booboos. ~~

Alrighty then! I want you all to prepare for the supposed end of the world wisely. Firstly, everyone must make sweet, passionate love to that special someone for the last time.
Make sure you tell him how much you love him girls! Ya know, say something nice.
Secondly, tell off all of your haters. Grudges must be kept to the death. Forgiveness is for the ignorant, my fine feathered hoes.
Thirdly, sit back, relax and get ready to be blown to shreds.
Okay now, no one be a hero. Stay safe. Feel free to crawl up in the fetal position in the corner, that is where I will be until further notice. Electricity, I love you, it's been real. Running water, I love you too. You have quenched my thirst and cleansed my body but now we must part ways.

If this is my last post...I love you all (unless I hate you)


Friday, October 26, 2012

Let's talk about Lana Del Rey

I want to start by saying that I absolutely LOVE Lana Del Rey (Elizabeth Woolridge Grant for long) and I don't give a hoot about what anyone has to say if they disagree.
In the wake of her new album, I find myself myself giddy as fuck. It was a little less than a year ago that I got into this broad. We're talking "Video Games" on repeat for at least a week. But then... what do I hear? A bunch of chit-chat about her being "fake." Fake nose, fake lips, fake voice, fake arms, fake legs, fake shirts, fake pants, fake, fake, fake.
...THEN I GOT OVER IT. In the words of Lana herself "I will love you till the end of time, I will wait a million years." So what if her nose is fake? So what if she pumps her lips daily? She knows it's fake, we know it's fake. It is what it is.
Color me the "anti-feminist" but I think she looks pretty hot. The fake everything is really doing it for her. Never change girly (except maybe for like a little botox or a facelift...or whatever fancy plastic surgeries you kids are getting these days). As for her voice being fake...does it look like I care? Answer: no. I love it.
OKAY. So now you all know who Lana Del Rey is and how I feel about her. This brings me to her new music video that she just released for the song "Ride." I have literally been watching and re-watching (and re-watching again) this music video because there is just so much to say about this shiz.
If you haven't seen it:
First things first: the rope swing. I am slightly concerned for Lala. It seems rather strange for a rope swing to be located in the middle of what looks like the desert. How did it get there? What does it hang from? Questions, I have em.
*Cue the Spoken word*... "I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer..." Shit just got real. Lala is a hooker, a very beautiful one may I add. She is perfectly polished, made-up and dressed. She makes me want to be a prostitute a little bit. HEY! Do not judge me, she makes it look so fun.
Back to the serious material at hand. She goes on with some lecture about morals, how she's a chameleon and was born to be the other woman and blah blah blah. Then in a surprising twist, she purchases an orange soda.
Then BOOM music starts. YAY!!!! Enter a singing Lala.
While watching this video I realized something crucial though. Does everyone remember how horrible her SNL performance was last year? Ya know, the one where she was awkwardly swaying back and forth whaling "Blue Jeans?" Well, she seems to be doing the exact same thing in parts of this video... nokay (not okay). I mean, she LOOKS pretty and everything but, sweetie, just stop that. I find these clips rather uncomfortable. If you watch carefully you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Awkwardddddd.
The video continues with images of Lala getting her hair brushed by some creature, smoking in a gas station, and riding dirty on a bike with, who I think, is the same creature that brushed her hair earlier. I guess he's undoing the labor he put in earlier because that shit will make your hair look cray.
I am going to completely ignore the obvious thoughts that ran through my head about smoking at a gas station. I mean, really Lana? That is just bad all around.
Okay NEXT, I think we are all thinking the same thing. We need to talk about the elephant in the room.
These are the questions I pose: 1) Why are you dressed as a Native American? 2) Why are you dressed as a Native American while driving through a bonfire? 3) Who gave you that gun? 4) Where are your parents young lady? If you're "tired of feeling like you're fucking crazy" then you need to get yourself together! You need to stop carrying around weapons and pointing them at your head. You need to stop driving through fire. Last, but not least, you should only wear a costume on Halloween. People will make judgments. YOU need to get your priorities straight. Yes, YOU.
So there it is. I enjoy this video thoroughly, of course. But as any concerned parent, I worry for young Lala. Stop prostituting your body and stop hanging with creatures. Just be the fun, beautiful, fake Lana Del Rey we all know and love! I believe in you, girl.
With that, I leave you. I am sure you are all just as excited as me about her new album coming out this November... and if you are not, then get the fuck outta my house!

Loveeeee you all,


Wednesday, October 24, 2012



And no, this blog is in English. I felt like  saying hello in Spanish...because I CAN. My blog, my rules.
My name is Jules, but you can call me Julianna for long. This is my first blog, ever. That is, if you do not count those Xanga accounts that we used at the beginning of High School. (What I would give to recover my account and retrieve those gems that I wrote. I remember always being so candid, so real, so emo).
Well, do not worry! This blog is emo-free. All emo individuals, please exit this window IMMEDIATELY.
I was weary about starting a blog, specifically because I always found that blogs were written by self-involved numb nuts with a large imaginary audience. However, I recently discovered that I am, in fact, a self involved numb nut with a large imaginary audience.

So therefore, I took to the blogosphere and this is my grand debut!
My blog will mostly focus on FUN things. And no, POLITICS do not fit into that category thank you very much.
...I mean unless I feel like making fun of the candidates in the upcoming election or perhaps making fun of all of the idiots who are obsessed with said candidates. I do enjoy poking fun. (Jokes, I make 'em, people). Basically, I talk about what I want... and you will love it.
Some may get offended by what I have to say but quite frankly that is not my concern. Sorry I'm not sorry booboos.
I appreciate any feedback that you have and I look forward to bestowing all of my wisdom on the plebeians of the world!