Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Best Funeral Ever

I must say, during all of this coverage of the "Frankenstorm" brewing in the Atlantic Ocean and headed straight for the Northeast, I have found myself quite uneasy. It has come to the point where I can no longer even look at my Facebook newsfeed or
The things I am reading and seeing make me nearly pee my pants. The only solace I have found is through obsessively watching that stupid show "Breaking Amish." However, this comfort will not last for long. Within the next few days, I (along with millions of others) will be living in squalor. I aim to enjoy electricity to the fullest extent today, as I foresee I will not have it for a very long time. GREEEEEEEEEATTTT.
That is... if I survive. This is where I get to the main subject of this post. This monster of a storm has got me thinking a lot
...about my funeral, that is. This will be he most important event of my life, besides my birth (obviously). Some may find this morbid, but I just find it practical and thought-provoking. One thing is for damn sure, this funeral is sure to be the best funeral ever. The event of the season if you will. Anyone who is anyone will be there.
I guess it was not only Hurricane Sandy that sparked these thoughts but also a news article I read earlier this week. It was an article about this dude whose family thought he was dead and they were holding a funeral for him at their house. Much to their surprise, he showed up mid-funeral, and was all... "HELLO? I'm alive assholes!"
Read it here:
That is seriously epic. I would love to be at a funeral like that. I especially enjoy the part where they say people were running away in fear.
HAHAHAHA. Just so epic, I can't. But anyways, BACK TO ME! I have always said that I would like Nick Jonas to sing at my funeral. I would like him to sing his chilling ballad "A Little Bit Longer." I know for a fact his performance will give you all goose bumps (trust me, I saw those three numb nuts in concert...we're talking poignant shit).
I want the room to be COVERED in pictures of me. However, I want these to be GOOD pictures. In other words, none of the pictures of me that my parents put on our christmas cards. I swear they literally go through their photographs and pick the ones based on how many chins I have in the picture. "Oh, she only has three chins in this one.. no good, gotta be at least five." I got to look HOT and IN SHAPE. Feel free to airbrush where you see fit.
I want to be remembered for my wisdom and grace. Therefore, I want Snoop Dogg to speak at my funeral. For there is no one wiser and no one greater than Snoop.
Okay, all of this is great and everything but we all know why people go to funerals. THE FOOD...HELLO! At my funeral I want there to be the finest cuisine.
And by fine cuisine, of course I mean noms noms like White Castle and McDonald's. Duh. The classiest food for the classiest lady around booboos. ~~

Alrighty then! I want you all to prepare for the supposed end of the world wisely. Firstly, everyone must make sweet, passionate love to that special someone for the last time.
Make sure you tell him how much you love him girls! Ya know, say something nice.
Secondly, tell off all of your haters. Grudges must be kept to the death. Forgiveness is for the ignorant, my fine feathered hoes.
Thirdly, sit back, relax and get ready to be blown to shreds.
Okay now, no one be a hero. Stay safe. Feel free to crawl up in the fetal position in the corner, that is where I will be until further notice. Electricity, I love you, it's been real. Running water, I love you too. You have quenched my thirst and cleansed my body but now we must part ways.

If this is my last post...I love you all (unless I hate you)


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