Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Vultures are Waiting to Pick at Your Bones, Lindsay

I stumbled upon the OWN documentary series about Lindsay Lohan while in a post-Easter dinner stupor. Beached, ashamed and dedicated to wallowing in self-pity, it only seemed appropriate that I take a look at what all the Lilo fuss was about.
Presumably unintentionally, the entire series has acted as one, continuous pity party for Lady Lohan. Scene after scene Lindsay reminds the viewer that her life is just so much harder than yours. In one awkwardly "emotional" scene, Lindsay films herself smoking a cigarette and staring into the camera for as long as it took for her to muster up a few tears (trust me, it took a long ass time...I even got up for glass of water, came back and she was still working on it).

Lindsay has stated in one of the episodes that one of the reasons that she wanted to do the documentary series is because she wanted people to know that she is just a person. Despite what we thought in the past she is just a real, down-to-earth, girl next door, after all.
You know, if your girl-next-door is living in a two story soho apartment, with a walk-in closet full of designer clothes, a personal assistant, a life coach and "a sober coach" (whatever the fuck THAT is).

If you refer to a post that I wrote last year on Lindsay's made-for-television movie "Liz and Dick" catastrophe, you will note that I have been a big Lindsay supporter in the past. I have always wished her the best (but expected the worst) and have enjoyed The Parent Trap and Life Size just as much as the next good biddy.
However, after watching what was supposedly made to reveal her "truth" and to show her "humanity" and all that horse dung, I could not be more turned off to Lilo's charms. All the show has succeeded in doing is introducing an entitled, self-victimized, materialistic and truly miserable narcissist (who at the very least is still kinda hot). Blame it on the OWN network or blame it on Lindsay's real "truth" but Lindsay has now officially been filed into "true twattery status."
I can sympathize with her white girl problems-- really, I can. She has two god awful parents who take every opportunity that they can to squeeze their way on screen. Dedicated to a life of attention     whore-ary, Dina Lohan struggles to be even appear slightly sincere while Oprah interviews her in her Long Island mansion. She, too, tries to muster up a few tears but to no avail (what is with these women and not being able to cry on command? It is truly ignorant). In one scene, she weakly gives Lindsay a half hug, making sure the camera is there to see it, she weakly says, "I am so glad you are home."
During a lunch date with Lindsay, her dad, Michael Lohan, gets in on the action as he irritatingly gives parenting advice to the viewers. Yeah, okay.

The majority of the show consists of Lindsay complaining about how chaotic her life is, how many clothes she needs to fold and how cruel everyone is to her. In fact, "chaotic" and "cruel" seem to be her favorite words (drinking game idea???!!!!). In one scene Lindsay even complains about how they will not minimize her community service hours. She just "hopes and prays" that some day they will just take it away. Poor little thing, has to give back to underprivileged children instead of rotting in jail. Boo freakin hoo.

I think, at the end of the day, Lindsay used this opportunity to stay relevant, to get a paycheck and to attempt to gain sympathy from the general public. But then again, are we not all guilty of that to some degree?
I will be the first to admit that T-swift is.

At the end of the day, I still wish her a sober life and I hope that one day she can stop feeling sorry for herself and, ya know, do something useful like make a Parent Trap 2.


Monday, April 21, 2014

265 Days a Year, 6 Days a Week

The past season of Real Housewives of Atlanta (and Beverly Hills, for that matter) has been anything but interesting or inspirational. All fall and winter, every Sunday night, I would look for drama just to discover an hour filled with boredom and bitter disappointment. I had to resort to watching Shameless on Sunday nights, just to make ends meet. This was the only way I could get my "pointless drama" fix for the day. Bravo let me down, Bravo let us all down.
It made me feel weak, hopeless and alone. We spent a whole season talking about an alleged affair between Apollo and Kenya. The situation was pretty anti-climactic and, to be honest, it was pretty damn boring. I fucking hope Kenya fucked Apollo because if she did not, then they sure did waste a whole fucking season talking about it.

When we were not talking in circles about whether or not Apollo and Kenya did the dirty deed, we were listening to the stupidity of Porsha Stewart. First, if anyone recalls from last season, there was the whole incident where she kind of, sort of, did not know how many days there are in a year...

Then, to add insult to injury, this season she maybe, sort of, did not quite know what the Underground Railroad was. Now I am going to ignore the obvious and that is that every fucking American should know what this was... not to mention the fact that she is, in fact, African-American and that is kind of, like, important for her to know. But, to make matters worse, Porsha is the grand daughter of the civil rights leader Reverend Hosea Williams.
You would think she would know where all her family money comes from and why your grandfather was kind of a big deal. I mean, he was, like, Martin Luther King Jr. status. 

"Wait, Martin Luther who?" -Porsha

I think it is a real accomplishment on Porsha's part to stay so ignorant to such a well-known movement in American history. She literally must have tried her damndest to not know what the fuck has gone on in our country. An accomplishment almost worth applauding... almost.
Even Kandi Burruss repeatedly tried to explain to the simple-minded Porsha (when Porsha went searching for the train tracks that belonged to the Underground Railroad) that it was "NOT...AN...ACTUAL... TRAIN."

So, to put it delicately, Porsha is a fucking moron. But really, there is no news there.

Kenya's indiscretion and Porsha's stupidity were not enough to keep my interest. I found myself unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Now, out of no where, previews of the reunion have been popping up, foreshadowing a huge, blow-out fist fight between these two classy ladies.
If you believe news reports, Porsha was even arrested at the reunion and Kenya is pressing charges. The other rumor circulating the fight is that Porsha was fired from the Real Housewives and, in an act of defending her, the other housewives claim they will quit if Kenya does not get fired instead of Porsha. Such noble actions by such noble housewives.

At the end of the day, I would prefer if neither got fired, seeing they provided the only entertainment of the season.

All I have to say is: thank god the Real Housewives of Orange County and New York are back. Finally I have something to live for once again.

Did you watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion last night? Who do you think one this girl fight? My vote is for Porsha.

Happy Housewives watching!!!


Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Selfie Debacle

For the most part, I have tried my very best to rise above the selfie situation.  For those of you ignorant and unaware, this is a dire situation indeed. I will admit, I have dabbled in selfies myself (I mean, just look at my stupid siamese twin selfie posted on this very blog). I am only a young biddy at the end of the day, just like all of you. However, I can quite honestly say, to put it delicately, that selfies are an abomination.
The true essence of vanity has shown its not-so-pretty head on Facebooks, Instagrams and even twatters all over the world. People near and far have been posting these ridiculous photos, broadcasting their egos and insecurity for all of the world to see.

We live in a wonderful world where we must measure our true self-worth with the amount of "likes" we receive on Facebook. It is a proven fact that if one only receives one "like" on a posted Facebook or Instagram selfie, then one might as well throw in the towel (and perhaps throw oneself off of a bridge). Your selfie career would be over and what else does a biddy have in this world besides some really good selfies?
Answer: nothing.

The selfie may vary, it all depends on what the biddy is feeling at that given moment. In an act of true artistic self-expression, courage and desperation, a biddy may take a selfie at any given point (but usually in bed, on the train or in a car)

The Car Selfie: "Look at me! I am going places!"

Many heated discussions and arguments continue to this day about the importance of the car selfie. Some say that this is your true induction or "baptism," if we are speaking biblically, into the selfie-world. After all, the car selfie is truly a holy moment. Perhaps in the driver's seat or maybe in the passenger seat (back seat car selfies are sacrilegious), it does not matter all that much, what matters is that the message is there: I am in a car and I look hot in this car. Something about mobility makes people want to snap a picture of themselves. That would explain the countless Metro North selfies that plague my Facebook newsfeed (and my nightmares...).

The Duck-Face: "LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!"

The duck-face is not for the weak-hearted. This is for the hardcore biddies who are not fuckin' around. They want your undivided negative attention and they want it now.
Blow-jobs for sale. Zero cents a pop, gentlemen.

The Almost-Duck Face: "#Lips"

This is for those who are too scared to go all the way. These are the pussies of Facebook, if you will. We have all seen it. These are those girls that you know want to do the duck face, but are too scared to commit. Just with a slight little purse of the lips, we are forced into their illusion that they have dignity, class or whatever. I know I can not prove it, but they all WANT to do the duck face but are too chicken-shit to go all the way. Pussies.

The 'Don't Look at Me': "Don't look at me but wait... look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!"
This is the most "modest" of all the selfies. It is when the subject is implying that he/she does not want the camera to be there. Maybe they are peeking up from a sheet or covering their face and trying to look away. Like "Ugh, this is so uncomfortable, I did not put one bit of make-up on" (meanwhile their face is fully made-up and looking fucking PERFECT). The "uncandid candid," if you so please. 

The 'I'm Cute': "Hehe"
This is that stupid "cute-face" selfie that every girl does amidst her other serious selfies. It is her attempt at keeping things light, keeping things fresh and keeping things "cute." It is their lame attempt at looking happy when really they are just as miserable as the rest of us that Gilmore Girls still remains cancelled after all of these years.


The Full-Body Shot: "Why stop at just my face?"

These shots are usually taken in the mirror.  The crucial components of this selfie are: tits and ass. These are for the biddies who could not just stop at broadcasting their face, they wanted you to get the whole package (the thorough biddies, if you will). This selfie really gives the biddy the chance to show his/her creativity. Some may include a bookshelf or two in the background, displaying their interest in feminist literature. Who says Toni Morrison can not be included in a full-body selfie? Or perhaps, they want to display some plants on their windowsill.  Nothing like a little botany action to get the boys engines revving! Mostly, however, they like to focus on the fact that they are "sexy" or whatever.

It must be said, selfies are an issue for both girls AND boys. Yup, there are boys who fall victim to the selfie-virus as well. Totally unboner, if you ask me (which obviously you were).

People: no matter how bad your life seems to be at the moment, no matter how shitty things may be going, there is always hope! You are not alone and no situation is unmanageable. It gets better. Do not resort to selfies and self-embarrassment. Put your iPhones down. Delete your Photobooth off of your Macbook Pro. Be rational about this.

I am here for you.


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Let Them Eat Cake

These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. First, Zac Efron gets punched in the face by some random homeless guy, therefore possibly messing up his angelic money-maker (at least I got a piece of that sweet High School Musical ass a few months back). Then, James Franco gets busted for sexting a 17 year old girl. I mean, can a man not trust a high school girl to keep their celebrity sexting secret? I mean, is nothing sacred to these high schoolers anymore?

AND THEN, shit REALLY hit the fan. As if we have not had enough, Gwyneth and that Coldplay singer, Chris Brown, break up! His name is Chris Brown, right?

This is like Brad and Jennifer all over again, guys.
After eleven years of love and marriage, the two most vanilla, white toast people decided to call it quits.  It is both the most devastating and most boring thing we have ever heard (I go back and forth between crying and falling asleep constantly).

That being said, I feel really bad for Gwyneth. There was an article written about her recently that, if you have not read, you must take a look at:

The article is really eye-opening. It really gives us "have-nots" a look into the the unfortunate lives of the "haves."

In addition, *Cue Dolly Parton*, It really makes you re-think that song "9 to 5." I mean, guys, let's be real, Gwyneth's life is just so much harder than that. She says, "I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as--of course there are challenges, but its not like being on a set." 
She is absolutely right, having a "regular" little job that you need to go to everyday, all day, 365 days a year might be a little bit annoying at times but it is absolutely incomparable to being a movie star on set. No one quite understands Gwyneth. We all should be grateful for what we have.

I mean, every year Gwyneth is forced to go to work, like, one time (which movies has she been in lately anyways?). Working for one month out of a year can be quite the arduous task. How can these women who work 9 to 5 and go home to actually take care of their children without two au pairs present really understand Gwyneth's struggle? I mean, like, really understand it.

This one time, Gwyneth was even forced to eat a meal that was not organic. The food was purchased by one of Gwyneth's household slaves by accident. Gwyneth was sick in bed for months. She had to be spoon fed Caviar and Edamame for weeks after. The courage and strength that this lady possesses is unbelievable and possibly unobtainable.
And now, on top of that, Gwyneth needs to worry about losing the love of her life? She was forced to let go of the man who writes all of those beautiful, vomit-inducing love songs? (The vomit-inducing love songs that were probably inspired by the vomit-inducing Gwyneth herself).
*Cue "Sparks"*
It is just so beautiful...
I am sure there has been many cathartic moments for everyone these past couple of weeks as we reflect on Gwyneth's unfortunate life. I mean, no one works has hard as Gwyneth, absolutely no one. She is a victim of both nepotism and white privilege and I am pretty sure starving babies in Africa do not envy her.

So this, this blog post is dedicated to the people who really work the hardest. This goes out to all the Gwyneth Paltrows out there. We salute you. Thank you.