For the most part, I have tried my very best to rise above the selfie situation. For those of you ignorant and unaware, this is a dire situation indeed. I will admit, I have dabbled in selfies myself (I mean, just look at my stupid siamese twin selfie posted on this very blog). I am only a young biddy at the end of the day, just like all of you. However, I can quite honestly say, to put it delicately, that selfies are an abomination.
We live in a wonderful world where we must measure our true self-worth with the amount of "likes" we receive on Facebook. It is a proven fact that if one only receives one "like" on a posted Facebook or Instagram selfie, then one might as well throw in the towel (and perhaps throw oneself off of a bridge). Your selfie career would be over and what else does a biddy have in this world besides some really good selfies?
The selfie may vary, it all depends on what the biddy is feeling at that given moment. In an act of true artistic self-expression, courage and desperation, a biddy may take a selfie at any given point (but usually in bed, on the train or in a car)
The Car Selfie: "Look at me! I am going places!"
Many heated discussions and arguments continue to this day about the importance of the car selfie. Some say that this is your true induction or "baptism," if we are speaking biblically, into the selfie-world. After all, the car selfie is truly a holy moment. Perhaps in the driver's seat or maybe in the passenger seat (back seat car selfies are sacrilegious), it does not matter all that much, what matters is that the message is there: I am in a car and I look hot in this car. Something about mobility makes people want to snap a picture of themselves. That would explain the countless Metro North selfies that plague my Facebook newsfeed (and my nightmares...).
The Duck-Face: "LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!"
The duck-face is not for the weak-hearted. This is for the hardcore biddies who are not fuckin' around. They want your undivided negative attention and they want it now.
The Almost-Duck Face: "#Lips"
This is for those who are too scared to go all the way. These are the pussies of Facebook, if you will. We have all seen it. These are those girls that you know want to do the duck face, but are too scared to commit. Just with a slight little purse of the lips, we are forced into their illusion that they have dignity, class or whatever. I know I can not prove it, but they all WANT to do the duck face but are too chicken-shit to go all the way. Pussies.
The 'Don't Look at Me': "Don't look at me but wait... look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!"
The 'I'm Cute': "Hehe"
This is that stupid "cute-face" selfie that every girl does amidst her other serious selfies. It is her attempt at keeping things light, keeping things fresh and keeping things "cute." It is their lame attempt at looking happy when really they are just as miserable as the rest of us that Gilmore Girls still remains cancelled after all of these years.
(RORY TURNED DOWN LOGAN'S PROPOSAL?! IS SHE FUCKING INSANE?!?!?!)
The Full-Body Shot: "Why stop at just my face?"
These shots are usually taken in the mirror. The crucial components of this selfie are: tits and ass. These are for the biddies who could not just stop at broadcasting their face, they wanted you to get the whole package (the thorough biddies, if you will). This selfie really gives the biddy the chance to show his/her creativity. Some may include a bookshelf or two in the background, displaying their interest in feminist literature. Who says Toni Morrison can not be included in a full-body selfie? Or perhaps, they want to display some plants on their windowsill. Nothing like a little botany action to get the boys engines revving! Mostly, however, they like to focus on the fact that they are "sexy" or whatever.
It must be said, selfies are an issue for both girls AND boys. Yup, there are boys who fall victim to the selfie-virus as well. Totally unboner, if you ask me (which obviously you were).
People: no matter how bad your life seems to be at the moment, no matter how shitty things may be going, there is always hope! You are not alone and no situation is unmanageable. It gets better. Do not resort to selfies and self-embarrassment. Put your iPhones down. Delete your Photobooth off of your Macbook Pro. Be rational about this.
I am here for you.