Sunday, November 13, 2016

I Love Goooollllddddd

In some ways, it is a dream come true for me. America has done what it was inevitably destined to do: elect a reality television star as President of the United States of America. But mostly... it is my worst nightmare.
Donald Trump will be our president (much to his despair, judging by the look on his face during his recent meeting with Obama).
I am frustrated, not so much by the fact that we elected a reality television star, but because we elected, like, the worst one ever.  

America really went to the bottom of the barrel with this one, I mean really, really scraped it. For those (like me) who never found any interest in The Apprentice, let us look at Donald Trump's Real Housewives equivalency. In other words, if Donald Trump was a real housewife, his tagline would be something of this nature:
Now, I do not know much in this world (not a lot at all), but I DO know what a good real housewife tagline is...and what it is not. And let me tell you, this is bad. This is, like, worse than Kyle Richards bad.
I can see his storyline right now. Milania and him get into a huge fight because she misplaced his little box full of dead skin patches that he collects to eat later. Milania feels really bad about it and their relationship is tested. Words like "divorce" and "deportation" get thrown around. They both say things they do not mean (or do they?).
Yeah, I'm bored too.

So, bottom line, when you really look at the situation, rationally... from a Real Housewives perspective, America has made a dreadful, dreadful mistake by picking this president. And, frankly, we should all be very ashamed of ourselves. 

That being said, I am a problem solver. I am not going to just sit here and tell you what we did wrong. I am going to offer us solutions for future elections. I have compiled a list of reality television stars who I believe, whole-heartedly, would fair better as the leader of the free world. I truly hope America will be more thoughtful in future elections.

1. Paris Hilton's Dog Tinkerbell
Tinkerbell can truly teach us all a lesson about the importance of resilience. As an individual who has experienced and overcome great adversity in his life, he would be an excellent pick for our next president. I would, undoubtedly, trust him with the nuclear codes.

2. Spencer Pratt
Spencer Pratt will ultimately prove to be a perfect choice. America loves a leader who is in touch with their spiritual/religious side. The last thing we would want to see is a clear-headed, atheist running our shit. Spencer has his rocks and gems to guide him in both foreign and domestic affairs, very few can say the same.

3. Ramona Singer
America is sick of this passive bullshit. America wants someone to TAKE ACTION, and TAKE ACTION NOW. Ramona is that girl. We do not have time to be politically correct or think about the things we say or do that hurt others. No, we need someone to kick the shit out of whoever we think is the enemy in that moment and worry about the repercussions later.

4. Reza Farahan
...and what can be better than gay Gandhi? Answer: nothing.

5. Caroline Stanbury
Well, because I genuinely, truly adore the shit out of her.

6. Milania Giudice
I don't know about you, but I would rather see a Milania in the white house who has something to say. Real things, real problems and real concerns.

7. Phaedra Parks
...because she has a PHD in donkey booties... and our country needs more of those.

8. Kourtney Kardashian's Pool
It's lit.

9. GG's Knife Collection
Those motherfuckers would OBLITERATE our enemies. For real.

10. Chad from The Bachelorette
Um, cause if we are going to have a raging, misogynist, racist lunatic as our president... can you do us the smallest service of making sure that he's at the VERY least hot?

Here's to 4 (or 8) miserable years! 

Cheers America!



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